I haven't been prepared to be honest. And I am ashamed. And this makes me anxious. I have an anxiety disorder. I let anxiety creep into all my tiny cracks. Once in, its spreads with poisonous ease. I am anxious, not just about falling short, but also for not admitting that I may be have fallen short. I have been anxious for simply being alive. I feel anxious about taking things personally and for feeling deeply. My anxiety completely disempoweres me and leaves me completely vulnerable to what my anxiety is telling me. It is a loveless loudmouth sending messages of self-deprecation, not healthy criticism.
Today, I am screaming back at my anxiety,
YOU ARE NOT ME!!!!!
I will not avoid or be ashamed of my less flattering qualities or my less than perfect family. My anxiety often results in escapist tendencies, which only gives my anxiety more power. I know that real freedom is not about getting away from what is troubling us but rather about going into and through it.
I want to fill those cracks with a fierce, unconditioned love for my self.
I want to write again.
I am taking back my life, you stupid anxiety.
"We are Light and we are Darkness
And we are the flesh, be it of mud or stars
Torn between the two
Yet already the One
Inseparable from the broken Many"
Robert Augustus Masters
I am not what I think I am
I am not even what I can hope and imagine myself to be
I just am.
And thats ok.
So I will write about just being
4 comments:
Well...commenting on posts is definitely 2009 so there. Love this post and your resolution. I've never identified the feeling as anxiety but there is a level of irritation and despair when I think the level of my relationships, activities, looks, parenting falls so short of others. I think you are beautiful and amazing and inspiring so there.
You're not alone. Thanks for your encouraging and honest post. I'm lucky enough not to have to deal with anxiety very often, since my struggling usually comes in the form of despair, ennui, or self-loathing, but as one of the broken Many, I relate, and I benefit from your words.
By the way, if all your blog (OR your life) had to show for 2012 was your Dooneese costume, I'd rank it as a TRIUMPH!
This made me think of Dave. Although he doesn't have anxiety (I tend to), he hates dancing. He feels out of his comfort with heightened awareness of his awkward long arms and legs moving or not moving . Because of this feeling, he says he'll someday have to learn to dance.
My excuse for not putting much more than pictures on my blog is I forgot how to write. You, Vanessa, have not. You are such a thoughtful writer and I look forward to reading more.
Amen.
It is funny how you have the ability to say it for the rest of us, and so well.
I am excited to keep up with your families great moments again. You are an amazing person and mama. Good work!
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