Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Dog Ate my Holiday Letter

I sent out Christmas cards this year. I promise. In fact, I made two batches.  I know that many of you received the first successful launch of Christmas cards and can vouch for me. I also know that some of you or many of you didn't get the dud batch.  This totally sounds like some lame excuse a student would throw at a teacher when he or she didn't complete an assignment, right? So this is what happened. I completed a stack of cards and then ran out of envelopes. My second batch of envelopes (bartered with cash at World Market, by the way, and may have been crafted by Marco Polo himself...I'm trying to remain positive about my purchase) were, I believe, made out of gold wax paper and were obviously not Marketable in any World that I know of.  Only 2 have been positively identified as reaching their destination. 
First of all, these wax paper envelopes would not accept ink of any kind.  Being a problem solver and ardent homework finisher, I made sticky labels and addressed them.  And sent them....yes, WITH those of you who are 'in the know' of my spurts of "puffy brain".  Everything seemed to be going according to plan.  But then, the next day, some of these golden envelopes reappeared in my mailbox because my homemade address labels had peeled off, having fallen victim either to the slippery make of the envelope, the sneaky clutches of a label thief, or from the frigid electron rejecting below freezing temperatures.   The next time I successfully pried open our frozen mailbox, two more had been rejected because the stamp had escaped or had been stolen...desperate times may call for stamp stealing  (yes, you could see the mark of the stamp....oh, ye of little faith in me).  Obviously, I didn't receive any that had our return address labels peeled off. These were made by the World Wildlife Foundation and I think these devoted heroes and heroines are serious and efficient about saving the animals because these labels STUCK......earning another donation this year. However, if anyone spies any unmarked gold envelopes creeping around their neighborhood,  you can guess from whence they most likely did originate. But don't touch it... and notify the authorities....just in case.  I just don't trust those gold mysterious envelopes.

This all wouldn't be that big of a deal if we hadn't been snorkeling through the snow the past week. Getting to the mailbox down our road was a major accomplishment. Excuses Excuses. So I can open them and find out who didn't get them and resend them. But until then, we are going out of town tomorrow and I don't have any functional shouldn't take that much for an envelope to be functional, should it? Sheesh

I just want those of you who didn't receive their cards to know that we thought of you and are still thinking of you. I have heard that some fellow humans despise 'happy perfect' family holiday cards and some even go so far as ridiculing them in public.  I am not sure if I have any closeted "holiday letter hater" friends and family.   I personally love receiving them, even if they are people I don't know all that well. So, for those of you who defied the odds of the gold envelope and DID  receive your cards and letters, Redirect your Blogging elsewhere. For those of you who HATE holiday cards and letters and were fortunate enough not to receive ours, smile at your narrow escape and go on your merry way. For those of you who do enjoy our holiday letters and DIDN'T receive yours, linger a little longer.  And for the record, we are Happy some of the time, Sad some of the time, Angry some of the time, Hungry all the time, and Perfect none of the time.  

Judd Family 2008
Proposed House Legislation That Has Absolutely No Chance of Passing

I. PROPOSITION 125 authored by Corey Judd (old)

Proposal to limit stuffed animals in the house to 125. This equates to approximately 41.333 stuffed animals per child. Any additional fake animals found on the premises will be considered a threat to family space and consequentially confiscated. Any family member who feels the overwhelming inclination to acquire another stuffed animal is urged to step outside the premises and play with the REAL animals (i.e. deer, frogs, coyotes, bark beetles, chipmunks, ticks, porcupines, and the left and right winged owls.) that frequent our 10 acres. Their will be no limits, however, on biking gear or ski paraphernalia.

Opposition submitted by Savanna: We would not need so many stuffed animals if Founding Parents would only allow us ownership of even one furry pet. Furthermore, there is convincing evidence that if Founding Father would just strap a stuffed animal to his handlebars while riding to work, he would be just as enamored with it as we are.


Chocolate is a blatant attack on personal happiness and well-being. Members shall not attend preschool if chocolate is going to be served as a snack. Constituents are free to spit out any chocolate accidentally ingested at any time and in any location. In 1982, only 10% of Halloween Candy consisted of chocolate. Today, the percentage has risen to 86%. This is an alarming statistic. If the distribution of chocolate is not curbed and eschewed, chocolate will be widely accepted as a breakfast entrée and the next thing you know, we will be kicking balls of chocolate in soccer classes.

Opposition submitted by Vanessa: You can never have too much chocolate and I already accept it as a breakfast entrée.

III. REFERENDUM ROTE GRINDWORK authored by Savanna Judd (almost 11)

The existing legislation in place that requires residing students to complete homework in a timely manner shall be overturned and amended to state that homework is OPTIONAL IF residing student is writing a medieval novel. Residing students lose precious writing time at piano lessons, Spanish class, swimming lessons and other various mandatory family outings. School work that is returned with LATE marks shall be overlooked and/or praised for being completed.

Opposition submitted by Corey: Lateness will never be accepted. In fact, I am working on submitting legislation that will require schoolwork to be completed before it is even handed out.

IV. PLEBISCITE INCOGREADO authored by Emmy (almost 9)

Passage of this would make it perfectly acceptable to hide in the corner of bedrooms whilst reading. This law will also allow for unlimited nonresponse to any solicitations or requests for revealing one’s location. Reading a book shall be an activity that is equated with not actually being present in the home.

Opposition submitted by Ansel: The Drafters and Framers of our new home included more than enough living space. There is no reason to be smashing oneself in crevices. We should be running freely through the home, jumping on beds, and sliding down banisters.

V. BALLOT MEASURE 12-1 authored by Vanessa (older)

It is the intent of the Founding Mother of this Union to uphold Freedom of Expression through the medium of SONG. This right has been thwarted, booed, and even forcibly squelched by little hands over mouth. The ratio of time spent chauffeuring, cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, helping with homework, packing lunches, nagging, etc. to time allotted for ditty singing shall be 12 to 1. For example, for every hour of nurturing and protecting, Founding mother is granted 5 minutes of uncensored harmonics.

Opposition submitted by Emmy: This ballot question would be considered if Founding Mother could sing the correct words to even one song.

Love the Judd Family


Anonymous said...

I'm first to reply, yeah!!
We were so fortunate to receive our letter last week and laughed and laughed. Maybe collecting everybody's email address would be cheaper and faster and no slippery stamps and labels!! Have a great time at our home. . .even if we aren't there. Emptynest

Kaerlig said...

We got your card today. It made it our way. Thanks for thinking of us. Your letter was hilarious and different. Very cool.

How does a kid not like chocolate?

Kristin said...

Absolutely. Hilarious. I heard all about Ansel and the Chocolate. Ailey is baffled...and has told anyone and everyone who will listen about Ansel and the Chocolate. He is a legend among the preschool set. :)

Joal said...

We got our letter and enjoyed it, but it was fun reading the story of the lost labels anyway.